I Love Cat Declawing

i love declawing

i love declawing

I love cat declawing and celebrate the day it was invented: Jan 21st 1951. Declawing a cat improves the cat, I say. You get to keep all the goodness of the cat while getting rid of the bad bits. God created the world and everything in it but sometimes he screwed up a teeny-weeny bit; he gave cats claws.

I fly the flag of the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA) from the front porch every year on that special day and open a bottle of the best French Champagne. I have the first glass just after I’ve cleared my cat’s faeces from the back room carpet.

I am told from the best authority that the very first declaw was carried out by Dr. Charles Muggleford, a Midwestern, god-fearing vet of the old school. He had just married for the 6th time. No matter how hard he worked and how much he charged his long-suffering clientele he was always broke. The alimony payments were emptying his pockets every day. He’d put 30 kids through university – god, the expense. He had to do something, anything and, in a timely manner, along came Mrs Betty A. Higginbottom with her loyal and vocal Siamese, “Pussy”.

She told the good doctor that she had had a long and fruitful conversation with her Pussy. She’d told him, she couldn’t put up with the damage he caused to her beautiful, brilliant white sofa. She’d screamed at him, “I can’t take anymore of this, your claws have to go”. She knew Pussy agreed with her because he slinked away looking guilty as if to say, “I know I’m a bad boy. I deserve to be punished”.

Anyway, “Higgy” (as Higginbottom was affectionately called) and her Pussy got their way. The good doc whipped off those claws. Of course, being the first attempt at it, he screwed up. He was bound too. Surgery wasn’t his forté anyway. He left bits of bone in and failed to realise that claws can sometimes regrow causing great discomfort. You can’t blame him as he was a great pioneer in the art of declawing. You know, there is a heavy bronze statue of him somewhere, I forget where. He’s standing tall, gazing at the sky, proudly erect, holding a scalpel with a cowering cat at his feet.

Higgy was delighted with the result of the declawing op. but Pussy wasn’t. Pussy has never got used to cat litter since and prefers soft carpet to Higgy’s annoyance.

No matter, Higgy saved her white sofa from “complete destruction”. She had saved her hands from being “clawed to bits”. She knew for certain that she risked death or the loss of her arm if she was clawed by Pussy because of the nasty bacteria on the claws.

Today in 2014, cat declawing is a wonderful business for 99% of veterinarians. It is their bread-and-butter business or strawberry-jam-and-tomato-sauce judging by the amount of blood that is left on the cage walls after the op. LOL.

Declawing cats is a win-win situation. The vets get a good income from it (billions of dollars annually) and cat owners get a cat that is purrrfect for indoor living – a sweet furrrrball. I don’t understand why people object to it. All the talk about complications and people getting rid of their declawed cat because of behavioral problems are lies, damn lies. It is propaganda from those crazy AR nuts who want to make us pro-declawers feel guilty.

How can it be cruel to remove the nails of a cat? All the vet is doing is removing that nasty sharp bit at the end of the toe. It is not much worse than cutting your nails.

Look, we have to trust our veterinarians. They know best. If they tell us our cat will be as right-as-rain after the operation that is good enough for me. Don’t forget, every vet swears the veterinarian’s oath when they qualify. They raise their right hand and place their left hand on the AVMA bible and swear that they will always do the right thing and dedicate the remainder of their lives to improving the health and welfare of the cat and all animals. If smart people swear that I feel super-confident that they will never needlessly harm our cats. Don’t you believe that? Come on, they are vets, pillars of American society.

Original photo by Beverly & Pack

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I Love Cat Declawing — 88 Comments

  1. Michael!

    A brilliant article that’s full of cat poop!
    But we must keep supporting our good ole vets here in the USA. I have heard it from reliable sources that -gasp- the surgery is banned in about 35 or more countries- HOW can these vets survive? It is a bloody shame!

    But to be purrfectly honest- I am starting a new business- de-nailing all the vets that do this surgery. While the procedure might set them back for a few months while their fingers heal some- I am sure they will find a way to continue their work- so they don’t starve to death.

    Thanks for an eye-opening article! Purrhaps it should be published on the front page of the Mew Yank Crimes.

  2. Ooooooo Thank Goodness!!! When this first showed up in my email I was like…..Whaaaaaaat?????…and then could hardly wait to get here to see what Ruth , Babs , Michael (and all the other folks I KNOW are AGAINST this barbaric procedure), had to say to this damn FOOL! In other words , this had my fur up and CLAWS out the second I saw the beginning sentence . Please tell me this is a ruse( although some of this may actually be fact…ie. dates and some names )and if not..someone kindly hand me my ROPE!

    • Jan, it is meant to feel as if it might be true (slightly) but be a ruse and spoof article as you found out. I want people to scratch their heads and think about what is going on. I wanted to turn the anti-declaw article on its head.

  3. So happy to have been warned about this.
    Michael, you play act those idiots very well.
    I’ll bet you could play a superb Woody too.

  4. Ooh naughty Michael, yes it’s a good job he warned us lol
    I’d love to see the Woody brigades faces light up when they see this title and then their faces drop as they realise what fools this clever man is making of them.
    What with Muggleford and his bronze statue and Higgys and Pussys and blood and poo lol and trusting American vets
    Oh I’ve never laughed so much for a long time, thanks Michael 🙂 you are a real tonic

  5. Our Michael is acting one sandwich short of a picnic, one brick short of a hod, his lights are on but there is no-one at home, the lunatics have taken over his asylum, but the frightening thing is that some people really do think and talk pretty much like this. Wishing a plague of fleas on Dr Muggleford and Betty Higginbottom and blessings on Pussy.

  6. It keeps bread and butter in their fully-entact, functioning hands, doesn’t it? How could they go about their daily tasks/routine without? How agonizingly frustrating and debilitating that would be, even though they, veterinarians, have voices that allow them to articulate just how they feel and the pain they are in, to get such a cruel act remedied at a huge price, physically, psychologically and financially.

  7. Oh yes I realized that as soon as I got to the main article . And how well you can depict these fools is amazing . How many times I have heard or seen the excuse , ” I didn’t want my FURNITURE destroyed , I can’t even count . And how sad it makes me to think these damn fools have more love and feeling for material things then their loving , living cats! SUPER JOB MICHAEL!

      • I’m sorry Michael, I live in a country where such things are done constantly to provoke a reaction or just to get ratings for TV ‘news’ shows. I understand you did not mean it this way. I worry you may have offended some of your more sensitive loyal follower. I just pushed a button I guess. No harm done.

        • Dan, the last thing I want to do is offend you. I won’t to make a certain sort of person feel embarrassed. I won’t to shed a light on declawing for the people who are in the dark about it. Mock it and satirize it.

        • I can understand how you feel Dan, the words ‘I love declawing’ make us anti declaws see red, but sometimes we have to try a new, maybe risky approach to get the message through to some people and I think Michael was very brave doing this article.
          I hope pro declaws will see it on a google search and excitedly follow the link and then realise how stupid they are and what downright cruelty declawing really is.

          • Thanks Ruth. That was my thinking – to turn it upside down and try and get into the head of some people who declaw and who see the whole thing as acceptable and normal. I want these people to wake up to what they are doing.

    • Dan, the frustration from doing our damnedest to spread the word on how inhumane declawing is tremendous, esp. for those of us in North America, I feel. I think that Michael made a move that is a bit risky, but overall quite beneficial and constructive. After all of the articles posted here, wondering how many Americans/Canadians pay attention, I think that this spoof is germane. I like it! 😉

      • Thanks Cal. That is the reason why I did it, to present a fresh approach and see if I can get someone to rethink what they are doing. The usual stuff becomes wallpaper – people don’t digest it.

    • I’m sorry if you were offended, Dan. I’m positive Michael didn’t mean to push any buttons; but, I understand what you mean.
      I think, sometimes, we just have get slap-happy, satirical, and sarcastic just to keep sane in lieu of all the horrible things we discuss.

  8. I bet some of the folks on that pet 360 board, if they had access to this blog would worship you Michael.. sigh..

    It is so incredibly frustrating – I can tell you I have pulled out strands of my hair from time to time.

  9. This is so GREAT! That monster cat Furby did this to my hand while using me as a launching pad. Boy, I’ll show him. No more scratches like this one. Now I’ll only have to worry about the biting he’ll do, but that’s okay. Bite wounds are small even if they are more dangerous. That’s ok, I like danger…

      • At least I had time to get my hands over my head or my head would be the badge of honour. I have to sleep with a nylon nightgown tied around my eyes in case of bedroom play sessions. Laura has been scratched in the eye several times.

    • This sort of scratch happens to the best of us. Sometimes when I am carrying Charlie, when I put him down his back claws can scratch my leg. Very rare but possible. Just one of those mishaps. Glad you liked this strange article I dreamt up.

      • I have a badge of honour on my right bosom right now courtesy of Jozef who asked to be picked up then suddenly changed his mind and launched away taking my skin with him lol
        What is life without a few scars 😉

        • Lilly scratches me alot – I think she is unable to retract her claws – either that or she just likes to push my buttons right to the limit. I think it’s the latter. However I think maybe Gigi can’t retract her claws because I hear them on the hardwood floor when she walks. She make little clicks with her claws.

          • I think Gigi can retract her claws; it is just that they aren’t lifted off the ground. I guess being scratched a little bit is normal for a cat caretaker because cats grab with their claws. Charlie puts his paws on may hand and extends his claws into me to get my attention. I actually find it cute 😉 . It gets my attention. He is asking for food.

            • I LOVE cats claws just as I love every other part of them, I’d be covered in scratches from top to toe if necessary, just to have the pleasure of their company.

              • Yes, Ruth scratches don’t worry me at all. I get a few (not many) but I just accept them as normal. Cat scratches should not be an excuse for declawing a cat. The cat’s claw is a wonderful piece of anatomy and engineering. It is very impressive and I admire it.

            • yep i think thats what smokey is trying to relay to me. Its like him reaching out in a stretch and saying im hungry. It doesnt matter anyway its all their way of getting our attention. 🙂

          • yea i remember cass used to be like that as would hear her on the floor when she walked around. Yea they do like to push those buttons. Its almost like they seeing if they get our attention.

      • Furby makes Monty seem like a little angel, even though he was jumping on me waking me up last night and got himself stuck in a tree a couple days ago.

        • Furby’s a food predator. Unless he’s sick he’s not lovey dovey. He helps me eat every meal and I have to be careful my fingers and his teeth don’t come in contact with each other. When he’s sick he wants to sleep with one of us.

          I’m trying to get a video of him chasing the laser light. Furbys can dance!

          • Monty’s all about the food, but more subtle. He’ll purr really loud to tell me he wants some. He’ll be climbing all over me while I’m eating, purring so loud his whole little body is just vibrating. If it’s something he can have he’ll get a little. I’ve been giving him less salmon, tuna and sardines because I need to eat more of that stuff to get well. I used to give him half if not more of the can.

  10. The article might be a spoof, but contains an oft overlooked fact: Declawing surgery was just started among vets and never peer reviewed. Today it seems that process and the accompanying research is happening– slowly– but it’s hard to put the genie back into the bottle. If the research says declawing is bad (and it does point that way) then vets should discontinue declawing. But that would mean two things: #1 vets would have to admit they were wrong and have been actually hurting cats. # 2 vets would have to give up the profits from declawing.

    What would have been so bad about going through a process of research and review of this procedure before it was done widely?

    It’s like that horrible antibiotic I took that almost killed me. There is tons of research documenting the harm it does, but most of it us very recent, whereas the drug has been around since the 1980’s.

    Reminds me of the healthcare bill that was recently passed here in the USA. Nancy Pelosi actually said, “We have to pass it to see what’s in it.” There was a rush just to push it through when people really didn’t know all the facts. Now it’s not going so well, lots of people losing their insurance, access to their doctors, their insurance premiums going up. But it’s too late to debate it now.

    Human beings seem to have a tendency to jump in with both feet and only much later look back to see if it was a good idea. Like my dad and his friend Dick jumping into this muddy river off a bridge when they were kids. They both nearly died, unable to get up to the surface through the mud. I thought actual adult human beings were smarter than teenage boys, but apparently, on the whole, we are not.

    • Declawing surgery was just started among vets and never peer reviewed

      Very good point Ruth. Declawing is an unregulated, aberration of an operation. Who’s regulating the vets? No one that I know. The AVMA does not.

      I thought actual adult human beings were smarter than teenage boys, but apparently, on the whole, we are not.

      Agreed. There is mass stupidity going on.

  11. Michael

    I wouldn’t dare post this link on the site. While we can laugh they would take it seriously and he’ll would break loose. Lol

  12. Good article 🙂 You had me fooled for a moment, well more than a moment, until I got past the title.

    A clever way to get the message across.

    • Hi Larry, I hope that you’re okay. Thanks for visiting and commenting. Yes, this is a rather strange article that I wrote but I do try, as you might know, to address things from a different angle because when we write about things from the same angle every time people become inured to it and nothing changes. And when I do these articles I like to make them look almost real with the intention of making people think and ask questions. That, in any case, is the intention. I keep trying, and I always will, to stop declawing because I hate it so much that it motivates me to fight against it permanently.

  13. Why would anybody joke about this stuff? Declawing is NOT a joke, sadly its done to thousands of poor innocent cats a year. I do get that this is a joke though, but still it makes me sad.

    • This site has about 200+ pages on declawing and it was time for a new approach because the usual approaches were not having much effect. It is meant to highlight the poor thinking behind declawing. To shine a light on the crass human behavior behind this disgusting operation.

      Thanks for commenting and supporting the fight against declawing.

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