Some Advice on Surgically Improving Your Cat
by Finn Frode
Hands off my claws!
As others have already pointed out declawing might cause your cat to bite instead. So of course now you must have your cat's teeth removed - and not just the fangs, but all of them just to make sure. Your vet will probably offer a fair discount on the lot...
Most likely your cat will now be in a state of mental conflict. Not quite sure what to do, it constantly wags it's tail. That's easily solved - just have the tail surgically removed. Manx cats are born that way, so what's the problem?
If by now your cat flattens it's ears whenever it sees you, it's just a defensive signal that it no longer trusts you. Have them removed and you won't have to be reminded at all times about how the cat feels.
Have the vocal folds clipped as well and you won't have to listen to that constant meowing that gets to your nerves. And get rid of those silly whiskers as they serve no other purpose than alerting the cat that you're about to grab it.
The declawing has not completely crippled the cat, so it will still be able to desperately run away whenever it sees you. You can now choose between restricting it with a short chain available for a few bucks at the pet shop - or spend thousands of dollars on having the cat's legs removed altogether. Ask your vet and I'm sure he'll recommend the latter option.
Now that you cat has become totally immobile and cannot exercise, it will soon need costly obesity surgery. And then there's a slight problem with the waste products... Keeping the cat in the litter tray at all times is not the answer, as this doesn't present the cat in an attractive way when visitors come by.
Instead take the final step and have the cat euthanized and then taxidermied. The stuffed cat will look very neat in your sofa and you can choose any colour you like. And after all you're no good with live cats. You already showed that when you had it declawed.
Am I kidding? No I'm crying when I think of the declawing that far too many cats are the still victims of.