Having read the story of a 30 year old lady writing on the website metafilter.com I have to say that the answer to the question in the title is Yes. It sounds strange to say yes; it is all right to fall out of love with a cat that you loved and raised. This woman has owned her cat for the last eight years since she was a rescue kitten.
She takes excellent care of her cat. She provides the best cat food and does the best she can. The cat is a beautiful cat. There are no behavioural issues. Everything is stable in this good human-to-cat relationship. But is it stable? Everything changes gradually.
The woman says that she is just TIRED of owning a cat. She has gradually changed her feelings. People do change their feelings in relationships. This has to be accepted even though the commitment is and should be that cat ownership is for the life of the cat.
On MetaFilter.com the woman is asking permission of other people on the website for their approval that she can give up her cat to another cat owner. I think that she is asking permission of herself. She is seeking to reconcile her emotions to find a way to allow herself to give up her cat.
She said that she will make sure the new adopter is a good cat owner. She will make sure that her cat will be well looked after in the future.
The response from other visitors is overwhelmingly that they approve of her thoughts about giving up her cat. This is from good people, quite obviously, who understand what she is going through.
What is she going through? There have been changes to her life. She began to live alone two years ago and she lives in an apartment which is quite small. Circumstances mean that she can’t give her cat as much attention as she did in the past. She is dating a new boyfriend and that takes her away from the home.
Her job has a one-hour commute which also means that she spends less time at home. Then there are the little nuisances which have become trying for her. The cat litter smells. In a small apartment this can be a problem. It’s a problem even though she diligently cleans the cat litter tray as a good cat owner should.
She is tired of the wet cat food stinking after about two hours. We know how wet cat food goes off so quickly in the warm weather. She is tired of the fur and hair lying around the flat and the night-time struggles. What she means is that she is woken up intermittently by her cat. Her cat scratches at the door. Perhaps she locks her cat out of the bedroom. I don’t know. She says that she does not like her cat sleeping on her pillow because of the fur that she leaves behind. Therefore she closes the door to the bedroom while she’s at work. This leaves her cat with a much smaller space to live in. This concerns her.
She says she’s tired of forever cleaning after her cat. She is concerned about her cat because she feels that her home is too small and too boring for her. Essentially, her life has changed and her attitudes have changed and she is moving away from the time when she was in a situation where cat ownership was just fine.
“I just feel like I’ve slowly moved to a place in my life that isn’t ideal for a cat, and I just feel an obligation in doing this for another decade of my life, even though I would do it because it’s the right thing to do…
I would never put her in a situation where she would be hurt, abandoned, or at risk of euthanasia – I’m just thinking of asking my cat sitter friends if they want to adopt her.”
Clearly, she is an excellent, thoughtful cat caretaker/guardian. Her life has changed and she feels guilty about giving up her cat. The point of this short post is that although all cat owners should prepare to look after their cat for the life of the cat, things change. They should be fully cognizant of how much it will cost to look after their cat over his/her lifetime and budget for it. They should resist giving up their cat unless under certain limited circumstances. But there are circumstances when even the most committed animal advocates would have to agree that it is all right for a person to surrender their cat even if the reasons, on the face of it, look rather frivolous. Even if the arguments are not that great. Even if the only reason really is that the cat owner has fallen out of love with her cat. Or was she never really suited to looking after a cat?
The metafilter post referred to.
Selfish, self-centered woman. Being who she is, she never should have gotten this cat. I find this disgusting, reprehensible. Beware, anyone who marries her. She’s apt to abandon you, too. Whatever happened to commitment?
Yes, it is about a lifelong commitment not matter what. That is the objective. Some people don’t have it.
At least the woman is willing to admit that she is no longer cat-owner material and claims she won’t toss the kitty at the shelter. I pray one of the kitty sitters will give her a good home.
Yes, I like her honesty too. It does tell us that she a concerned cat owner.
This sure hit a chord with readers here. I can only relay my experience. I’ve always loved animals, especially cats. I put off keeping any until a point in my life when I could guarantee they’d have a caring home for life. When came a time I just couldn’t keep a dog I had, when I was more or less forced to live aboard a sailboat, yeah, I had to give up Domino and he paid the ultimate price for MY failure – regardless if I was to blame. The guilt from that made me more determined to do the right thing no matter what. And so when I bought my home, I actually did buy it for my cats – Allie in particular, my then girlfriend who gave her up to me because she got bored with her… and me I suppose which is why I moved, ha ha. There was more to it but still. And since I’ve been here I have done all in my power to care for a total of 18 cats who, when I added up the receipts, OMG that’s a lot of money and a big chunk of my life, but I’d do it again.
Now while our heroine seems to be going through the motions of doing the right thing, I get the feeling that she’s just as interested in it being the easy thing where she saves face. But hey, there are people in the world who are more horrible. When her cat is really gone, she’ll miss her. Sometimes that happens as a result of death, which is much harder to live with.
I have the feeling that this change may be related to something “new” in her life….a boyfriend. It’s much easier to accept the nuisance things that having a cat entails, when we’re single/alone.
I remember when I first got romantically involved with someone, after being a single cat guardian for many years.
Some things had to change to accommodate this new activity. I had to shut my cat out of the bedroom, after years of her having access to it. I put my own feelings above hers, out of practical necessity.
I had a roommate who let my cat sleep in her room, so that helped.
So, sometimes it’s not that a cat guardian “falls out of love” but that a human love has necessitated a change. My boyfriend was a cat lover, but neither of us wanted the cat lying on the bed when we were “frolicking around”, which could have actually been dangerous for the cat.
I’d never consider a romantic partner who didn’t like cats. That’s a factor in any of my close relationships. One of my best friends is allergic to, but loves cats. She can’t come into my home, because of it, so we visit outside or elsewhere. She even feeds stray cats, and feels badly that she can’t let them in, so she hangs out with them on her porch. I was shocked to see a picture of a cat in her house, and asked about it. She said the cat really wanted to come in, so she let her in for awhile and even petted her. She’s trying to find a good home for this cat who was left behind by a heartless neighbor who moved.
Very nice observation Sandy. It could be that. A new love pushes out the old.
Michael, having 13 adopted/rescued kitties, I can understand her feelings a little bit. I get frustrated at times with mine, but, I will NEVER stop loving them. I truly depend on them as much as they depend on me. Yes, sometimes they aggravate me. . .yes, sometimes I get tired of the smell from the litter and cleaning up after them, but them I realize that they are just like human toddlers who need to be looked after, picked up after and cleaned up after. They truly help me keep calm and are a driving force for me being happy (along with my son). I am thankful that this person is realizing that she wants to do the right thing by making sure her kitty is in a loving home and that she just no longer feels she can do this for her. I pray she holds true to her ideals and sees that her *baby* does, indeed, get another loving home to live out her days. . . ♥♥♥ (great post!!)
I think you have made a very nice observation. I am the same. But I can’t give up on my cat. At the moment he bites me occasionally. It is just a left over from being outside and reverting to wild cat status. I don’t like it but we’ll get over it.
Of course feelings and degree of attachment can change, as in any other relationship. The question is what she is going to do about it. She is being honest, which is good. What about the commitment she made (analogies with “till death do us part” are evident)? Should she honor it “for better or worse” or, as we say these days, move on? If some degree of neglect has crept in, a friendly “divorce” may be the right answer.
Perhaps cats do not suffer as much as dogs do from a breakup with a human (a whole other topic). A very wise & famous refugee scientist once said “The successful animal is the one that adapts.” Cats, we will agree, are the most adaptable of animals — humans sometimes much less so.