Anna Maxted is a well-known Times journalist. She is a cat lover and so are her children. She had until recently two domestic cat companions, one a non-purebred and the other a purebred Bengal.
She has written a very long and detailed article expressing her grief on the sudden death of her Bengal cat. It’s an article full of emotion which cascades over the page like water flowing over rapids in a fast-flowing river.
Anna Maxted was devoted to her Bengal cat, Buster. He appears to have been quite a brawny boy, full of character and charm. She hints that he was a little bit overweight but he looks great in the photograph.
Her article is entitled: “My cat died – I feel guilty for being so numb with grief”. She says that she wrote the article “because I want the grief acknowledged.”
She had hoped that writing the article would be cathartic “but it’s too painful to face the feelings head on”. Her youngest child, 17, was on holiday when Buster died. “He sobbed”. She added that “His pain cut through me”.
Buster had a big impact on her family. She let him go outside like any other domestic cat it seems. She doesn’t say it explicitly but it appears that he died when he was hit by a car. He was found lying on the pavement apparently unconscious. She burst into tears and was inconsolable when she realised that he had died.
But why is she feeling guilty? Adding guilt to grief on the death of your cat is tough and complicated. You shouldn’t feel guilty but why might it happen?
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Here are some possible reasons:
Minimising the loss: this is about how society perceives animals compared to humans. How sometimes in societies we rank the importance of sentient beings; the human being at the top and the cat being below. And in being lower than the human, society sometimes tends to downplay the significance of losing a pet compared to losing a human loved one. This might create a sense of guilt or shame in the individual who is grieving the death of their cat. They might feel that their grief isn’t valid or perhaps that they are overreacting. This can lead to guilt.
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Attachment and companionship: it is recognised today that domestic cats can be treasured family members. It’s why, incidentally, the UK government is pushing through a new law in Parliament called the Pet Abduction Act. It concerns the theft of cats and dogs and other pets. It’s a specialist form of theft in the eyes of the government in response to public feelings.
When a treasured feline member of the family is killed and their passing is sudden the grief experienced by their human caretakers might be particularly profound. Some cat owners might feel guilty because they should preserve their grief for human members of the family.
Societal expectations: there are societal norms and expectations which encompass grieving. In some cultures, it may seem to be unseemly or wrong to grieve deeply over the passing of a pet. A cat owner in such a society might feel guilty in stepping outside of those cultural norms.
Personal beliefs: some people might believe that human life is more important than animal life. Their thoughts and beliefs might suddenly be overturned when they are faced with the death of their beloved cat. They experience a deep sense of grief. This might clash with their cultural beliefs making them feel guilty.
There is no need to feel guilty. I think everybody will accept that. It’s normal. And there’s nothing wrong in regarding a cat companion on an equal level to a human companion. I do.
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Anna Maxted used the services of the Scottish Pet Bereavement Counselling Service: link to their website.
I don’t believe it’s often about guilt at all. It’s about a sense of powerlessness – indeed, a reality of being powerless to undo or stop what happened. An inability to bring them back to life and not being Jesus.
Could be right. Interesting thought. Perhaps you are describing grief.